Why Things Happen
I often wonder why things happen... it is a thought that sits in the back of my mind, like a splinter in your finger that never really goes away. I obsess over it because I want to know if there is anything that I can do to control, influence, or determine the outcomes of life.
I've come to the realization that there are 3 possible reasons why things happen:
1). The World Happens. Earthquakes, high winds, covid, etc... Things happen in this world that we cannot control nor influence. A few weeks back, our neighborhood got hit REALLY hard with the high winds (I live in NSL). We were lucky enough to only have a few branches down and tons of debris in our backyard. Just around the corner, an entire tree fell onto a house, tearing the roof down. RIght next to their house, another tree fell onto their neighbor's driveway. As I went to talk with both neighbors and see how we could help, it was amazing to see the stark difference in their response.
The neighbor with the tree in his driveway was ANGRY. He kept saying how much of an inconvenience this was and how he couldn't leave his house and why of all the trees to fall, this one had to fall exactly on his driveway...
The neighbor who had the tree smash his roof was visibly discouraged but his attitude was empowering. He said that it was unfortunate but he was extremely grateful no one got hurt and recognized that life happens... they could do everything right, prepare for the worst and life will still happen. His gritty disposition was empowering to me. And you could sense that he built up this amazing tough inner world due to overcoming all the smaller battles of life.
"Smooth seas never made for a skilled sailor"
2). People Happen. Sometimes people make bad choices and it affects your life. An athlete I coached once got hit by a drunk driver. It messed her back up so badly that she had to quit playing volleyball (she was playing in her 2nd year of college and worked harder than anybody I've ever coached to get there. She got cut her senior year from her high school team. At the time, she was touching 8'10 and decided she wanted to prove to herself that she was somebody. She ended getting 7 full ride offers and left touching 9'11). She was in her 2nd year at Western Wyoming when she was driving back home from her mom's house and a drunk driver ran a red light.
Her back broke in several places and luckily, her spinal cord was left intact. However, her volleyball playing days were over. She came and visited me after her surgery with the bitterness of all bitterness. She did nothing wrong. How could this happen? I listened as she vented her frustrations. Little by little (over the course of a few weeks), she changed her focus to what had happened to what she could do now. She went off to college, reinvigorated to become something of herself. I hadn't heard from her in 2 years and then she sent this text last December:
"Hey Matt!
Just wanted to check in and give you a little life update. I hope you’re doing well! Probably busy as always!!
I moved to California to get my Master’s degree in Orthotics and Prosthetics...
Anyways I’m sitting here studying for the last week of finals. This 1st quarter of the program has been SO hard. I’m exhausted, I don’t want to study anymore, I’m mentally done...but I continue to grind it out because I want to be the best and challenge myself emotionally, mentally and physically when everyone else wouldn’t. I realize though that I would NEVER be where I am today and NEVER have that mindset without going through what I did... One being that hard work isn’t easy and if you don’t have the right outlook, dedication or work ethic you’ll always be okay with easy and skating by. I am so proud of the independent woman I have become, against everything, and... just because you continue to get knocked down doesn’t mean you’re not strong enough to get back up..."
3). You Happen. Sometimes we make poor choices. That is part of the human experience. Doing what we feel is right and it sometimes goes very wrong. Or sometimes doing something wrong, knowing it is wrong, and having to deal with the consequences. At the end of the day, there isn't a crystal ball. I came up with this diagram when reading about Pascal's Wager (any philosophy nerds out there?).
Sorry, as the players can attest, my handwriting is terrible. When it comes to making choices, we are presented with a myriad of decisions each and every day. Should I do homework or go to practice? Should I hang out with this person or this person? Should I study for my Math or English test first?
When it comes to making choices, as long as we feel like we are making the BEST choice we think we should make, you either have a good, desirable outcome or you don't. If it is a good outcome, you feel justified in the choice you made. If it was a bad outcome, you can grow in wisdom and character by using that as a framework for making future decisions. That is experiential wisdom!
If you make a bad choice (one that you feel shouldn't be made) and you make it anyways (like sneaking out at night), either you have a bad outcome or a good outcome. With a bad outcome, you have deserving consequences. With a good outcome, the only feeling is one of relief ( like not being caught). So when it comes to our "Pascal's Wager" diagram, the only thing that makes the most sense is to make the best choices for you. Bad outcomes may still happen but you get to learn and grow from it.
When all is said and done, your response is what matters most and not what happens to you. Be strong. Be gritty.